Thursday, June 09, 2005
This is insanity..
Would you like to know what insanity is? THIS is insanity! I can't stop thinking about my f**** therapist. I think about him all the time. This SO sucks. I think about him so much that I stopped therapy because I want to stop thinking about him. I've become like Glen Close in Fatal Attraction or something except it's not like THAT. I don't think about him in THAT way... I think about him like I want him to be my father. He's only a few years older than me, but I keep fantasizing about what it would be like to have him as my dad.
Yeah... great... other women would sit around and have sexual fantasies about what it would be like to seduce their therapists... I mean my therapist is a fun, good-looking guy, but not me... oh no.. I have to be obsessing about him as a dad-person. And I can't seem to stop. I quit therapy because I couldn't stand to be thinking about him all the time... dreaming about him... this was ridiculous. He was becoming like my new God or something. Now what I'm trying to do is whenever he comes into my head, I try to think about Jesus. Think about Jesus think about Jesus think about Jesus... picture Jesus... NOT my therapist.
And, what's horrible, is that I KNOW it's not even him. What do I know about him. He's probably even gay for all I know. Not that I have anything against him being gay it's just that I give him all this credit for not being a "pig" because having been abused by my father and by several other men I sort of have a thing about all men either being sexual pigs or gay and credit my therapist for being the only heterosexual man I've ever had a relationship with that I didn't sleep with but since I've known him for like 20 years and in all that time he's never been married (divorced) and only been in one relationship, I wonder if he's gay and just hasn't mentioned it to me (because why would he, even though he knows I've had a number of gay men friends). I thought about asking him because I have a feeling he'd tell me the truth, but then I realized I didn't really want to know the truth because I didn't want "my father" to be gay. *sigh* Oh, this so sucks.
Anyway, as I was saying, I KNOW it isn't really him I'm fantasizing about... it's the character in my book... I've written this 60k word book about this girl and her dad. (I'm a writer. I've had three books published but they were all erotica until now. Now, I'm going to try to get this book published -- with my REAL name, yay!) Anyway, I'm fantasizing about this character in my book which is based on him, but it's him extrapolated, if you get what I mean. I just let my imagination take flight. This character is what my finest imagination decided he would be like if he were a dad to a daughter and what SHE would be like if he HAD a daughter. Now, I realize that no human being could be as wonderful as THIS dad... but, still, there is a little person in me that has now gotten this image fully entrenched in me so that I think about him constantly... no, let me rephrase that... chronically, because it's more like an illness.
So, what do I do now... see another therapist to get over my therapist? Or do I go back to him to resolve it? I mean I have a long term relationship with him and haven't had this problem before. I have seen him on and off for almost 25 years! Previous to writing this book, I didn't really have this problem. Now what do I do?
I just don't know.
Yeah... great... other women would sit around and have sexual fantasies about what it would be like to seduce their therapists... I mean my therapist is a fun, good-looking guy, but not me... oh no.. I have to be obsessing about him as a dad-person. And I can't seem to stop. I quit therapy because I couldn't stand to be thinking about him all the time... dreaming about him... this was ridiculous. He was becoming like my new God or something. Now what I'm trying to do is whenever he comes into my head, I try to think about Jesus. Think about Jesus think about Jesus think about Jesus... picture Jesus... NOT my therapist.
And, what's horrible, is that I KNOW it's not even him. What do I know about him. He's probably even gay for all I know. Not that I have anything against him being gay it's just that I give him all this credit for not being a "pig" because having been abused by my father and by several other men I sort of have a thing about all men either being sexual pigs or gay and credit my therapist for being the only heterosexual man I've ever had a relationship with that I didn't sleep with but since I've known him for like 20 years and in all that time he's never been married (divorced) and only been in one relationship, I wonder if he's gay and just hasn't mentioned it to me (because why would he, even though he knows I've had a number of gay men friends). I thought about asking him because I have a feeling he'd tell me the truth, but then I realized I didn't really want to know the truth because I didn't want "my father" to be gay. *sigh* Oh, this so sucks.
Anyway, as I was saying, I KNOW it isn't really him I'm fantasizing about... it's the character in my book... I've written this 60k word book about this girl and her dad. (I'm a writer. I've had three books published but they were all erotica until now. Now, I'm going to try to get this book published -- with my REAL name, yay!) Anyway, I'm fantasizing about this character in my book which is based on him, but it's him extrapolated, if you get what I mean. I just let my imagination take flight. This character is what my finest imagination decided he would be like if he were a dad to a daughter and what SHE would be like if he HAD a daughter. Now, I realize that no human being could be as wonderful as THIS dad... but, still, there is a little person in me that has now gotten this image fully entrenched in me so that I think about him constantly... no, let me rephrase that... chronically, because it's more like an illness.
So, what do I do now... see another therapist to get over my therapist? Or do I go back to him to resolve it? I mean I have a long term relationship with him and haven't had this problem before. I have seen him on and off for almost 25 years! Previous to writing this book, I didn't really have this problem. Now what do I do?
I just don't know.
