Wednesday, July 13, 2005
So Empty
Why am I feeling so empty when I've got so much? I can't figure it out. I have two great jobs... both part time, that I really enjoy. They don't pay much, but I like them both. I have a wonderful husband and terrific son. Two great adult daughters... I don't know. I'm in good health and I've lost a lot of weight so I look pretty good. So why do I feel so... I don't know... empty? I feel like nothing. Maybe I feel nothing unless I'm cutting? Maybe I feel nothing unless I'm feeling problems. Who am I?
I'm disgusted w/out gov't. I'm afraid and apalled w/big business. I've been reading this book called Fast Food Nation. It's overwhelming. As I've gotten older I've come to realize that people don't really care about other people in general and I guess I always believed that, push come to shove, people cared (at least in America). Boy, was I naive. I believed all the propaganda given out at the 1968 NY World's Fair and other places that convinced us little children that the big corporations had your best interests in mind. So much for that. Companies I fear and loathe: IBP, Con Agra, McDonalds (especially), Walmart, Basically all fast food companies. It goes on and on. It's frightening.
I'm disgusted w/out gov't. I'm afraid and apalled w/big business. I've been reading this book called Fast Food Nation. It's overwhelming. As I've gotten older I've come to realize that people don't really care about other people in general and I guess I always believed that, push come to shove, people cared (at least in America). Boy, was I naive. I believed all the propaganda given out at the 1968 NY World's Fair and other places that convinced us little children that the big corporations had your best interests in mind. So much for that. Companies I fear and loathe: IBP, Con Agra, McDonalds (especially), Walmart, Basically all fast food companies. It goes on and on. It's frightening.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Families can be so toxic...
Sometimes I just want to run and hide... better yet, I want to find a spot where i can just curl up and cut my arms to my heart's content... I want to cut my arms up, then eat, then throw up then eat some more then cut my arms up some more and never see another human being again. That's pretty healthy, isn't it? That's the response that being around my family (Mother, brothers, etc.) can sometimes bring out in me. I bet that's the way it is for some of you too. I feel like I just don't belong. I remember WISHING that I would find out I was adopted. I guess that would have validated why I didn't fit in at all.
They have this THING about money and they have this THING about weight. I used to have wayyy to little money and wayyy too much weight. Now things are better. I weigh the right amount and my money situation is better. They love me more now because of that... that makes them respect me more and even get a little scared of me. Weird, isn't it? But they definately love me more now that I only weigh 125. It's as if I've done something incredible... more incredible than Mother Theresa, my losing weight.
And money... well, I still don't have enough but since I'm a girl, that's okay... I'm doing better than before and that reflects more on my husband than on me *sigh* Since I weighed too much before, it figured that I only got a husband who didn't make that much money. We may not be rich, but at least we make our mortgage and pay our bills. But money and weight are the two most important things to my family even though they would deny it and say that character and God and all that stuff far outweighed anything else.
They talk one way and act another. And when they pay for something or get you a gift, then they feel as if they OWN you... you now have to DO something for them at some time to be named in the future even if you didn't want their gift. I hate that. I'm not going to take gifts from them any more.
They have this THING about money and they have this THING about weight. I used to have wayyy to little money and wayyy too much weight. Now things are better. I weigh the right amount and my money situation is better. They love me more now because of that... that makes them respect me more and even get a little scared of me. Weird, isn't it? But they definately love me more now that I only weigh 125. It's as if I've done something incredible... more incredible than Mother Theresa, my losing weight.
And money... well, I still don't have enough but since I'm a girl, that's okay... I'm doing better than before and that reflects more on my husband than on me *sigh* Since I weighed too much before, it figured that I only got a husband who didn't make that much money. We may not be rich, but at least we make our mortgage and pay our bills. But money and weight are the two most important things to my family even though they would deny it and say that character and God and all that stuff far outweighed anything else.
They talk one way and act another. And when they pay for something or get you a gift, then they feel as if they OWN you... you now have to DO something for them at some time to be named in the future even if you didn't want their gift. I hate that. I'm not going to take gifts from them any more.
